Archives For Lillian Elizabeth Caulk

Happy Birthday Mike, your first in heaven.

Mike and Missy Caulk

Dear Mike,

I am sitting here this morning with a heavy heart thinking about and missing you on what would have been your 65th birthday.Yesterday when I went on a listing appointment, your voice popped on through the blue tooth connected in my car.  It was from Jamie’s funeral and you were talking about how much Jamie loved animals and how mean Dixie Mae is. I laughed as it was so funny and so typical of you to make people laugh at such a solemn moment.

Then I gulped.

It all came back as you said, “I’m next, no more cutting lines”.

But you weren’t next.

Lilly Bear was next and only a month later.

Then at her Celebration of Life service you again said, “I am next, no more cutting line.”

And you were.

Now you are at your true home with Jamie, and Lillian and the rest of our family that has gone on before us. Do you celebrate your earth birthday in heaven or the day you went home? Silly question for us on earth, huh? But, we will honor you today as we did for the 35 years we were married. I’m baking a cake…your favorite…german chocolate.

I am starting to really understand what the Apostle Paul said in Phil 1:23-24 when he said, “I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.”

Desire to depart and be with Christ is far better?

Desire in the Greek means a longing, an insatiable lust.

Depart in Greek means to break camp, fold up the tent, pull in the anchor.

Far better in Greek means much, much better, more useful and profitable.

Caulk Family 1998I am quite sure before you and Jamie and Lilly Bear went home that I did not have a longing or insatiable lust to go home. Nor was I ready to break up camp and see dying in Christ as far better or more profitable.

No heaven was just a destination, some place up there, I was going upon my death…nothing I longed or lusted for. Definitely nothing that caused me to want to pull up my tent here for and most definitely nothing I saw as far better.

But when you and Jamie and Lilly departed for home, Christa, Matthew,Andrew-David and I do long for that day when we will all be together again. Why do we have to learn what you told us in your Word the hard way?

We know your death’s are just a temporary interruption and not the sad end of our relationships. We haven’t lost you because we know where you are. Thank you for cheering us on in that great cloud of witnesses.

Paul continued on by saying  until it is our time, it is profitable to be here and to accomplish the purposes God has for us on earth.

Mike and MissyMike, I don’t understand how God is using us here through our great suffering to show His glory but somehow He is.

Thank you Mike for being a mentor to so many here and most of all your family. Your love and grace to all of us helped make us who we are.

My biggest regret was not thanking you and appreciating all the little things you did for me/us here on earth.

I’m learning now that it was the little things you did that make me miss you the most. I get so overwhelmed with all those little things that you simply took in stride. I hope you know now how very much you are missed and loved.

I hold on to scriptures that let’s me know God is Sovereign, that He knew the number of our days before we were even born. That your death, like Jamie and Lillian’s were precious in His sight.

Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 116:15 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”

We’ll see you soon!

I love you,

We love you,

Happy Birthday!


Losing “Lilly Bear”

November 19, 2013 — Leave a comment

"Lilly Bear"Two years ago today, my precious daughter Allyssa’s baby, “Lilly Bear” went home to heaven.

How do you rank the worst days of your life, when the past two years has seen the loss of my precious son Jamie at 27 and my husband Mike just five months ago.

But the day “Lilly Bear” died is one.

Lillian Elizabeth was 13 weeks ago, I had put her in her crib for a nap as Mike, Christa and Allyssa had gone to watch Michigan play Nebraska at the U of M football game. The weird thing was that no one really wanted to go…they went to honor Jamie as he had been so excited about Nebraska joining the Big 10.

I was at home watching her until Ryan’s mom was coming at noon.

Ryan had made her a formula with the purified water we drink in our home and measured it all out. She had just eaten and he didn’t think she would wake back up for an hour or so. But…like most babies… perhaps she realized mommy and daddy were gone so she did.

I got her up and I picked out her outfit for the day. “Would you like to wear your Michigan dress, Lilly?” “How about the Michigan sleeper”? “No, ok then your white sleeper with pink bows on it?”  She smiled and so I put it on.

I brought her into my bedroom and gave her the bottle, holding her in my arms. Since I nursed all my babies at least a year, I wasn’t too familiar with bottle fed babies so I held her like I did my nursing babies.

She drank most of it, I laid her down and turned on the fan lights above my bed and she was kicking and talking to the lights…something she had just discovered. After a while she got fussy and I picked her up and took her downstairs to change the scene and put her in her baby seat. Allyssa had texted me and asked me how she was doing, what she was wearing and to take a picture of her, which I did.

Lillians crib After a while she was fussy again and I picked her up and walked around with her where she fell asleep on my shoulder. Ryan and Allyssa had been working on getting her to sleep in her beautiful crib so I walked her back upstairs and laid her in her bed.

Michigan was having a fly over for the game that day and I could see and hear them from my bedroom and Christa and I were texting back and forth. It was close to game time so I decided to walk downstairs and watch kick-off on the big TV. I grabbed her monitor and sat it beside me on the couch. I went up and checked on her about 30 minutes later and she was still sleeping peacefully.

Ryan called and said his mom was running late and I told him no problem that the baby was asleep. I had just looked down at my phone and it was about ten minutes until one when I heard all five dogs start barking and I knew Liz must be here. I opened the door and said, “come on in I’ll go get the baby as I walked up the stairs.”

I walked into her room and peaked over to see if she was still asleep. I then slowly rolled her over to pick her up and she was blue. I started screaming and running with her downstairs yelling, “call 9-11 Lillian is not breathing.” Andrew my youngest son heard me all the way in the basement and bounded up the steps.

The next 45 minutes were absolute chaos.

It is just too horrific to even go into details on. There are scenes, people, EMT’s in my head that I will never forget and will forever be with me. I still have so many questions that I don’t believe will be answered this side of eternity. I don’t understand why when she was the light in our life after Jamie had died (only a month before). How can this be happening again?

Why, Why, Why? The bright light that brought such a smile to our faces and joy to our hearts as she learned new things everyday.

The thing I do know is that He hears the cry of the afflicted, (JOB 34:28) and that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed in us. (ROMANS 8:17). When I focus on the shortness of this life…and know that someday we will be all be together again I carry on. I know that life on planet earth is a small dot on a long string of eternity.

I know that if it weren’t for Jesus who suffered and died for us on the cross that being together again with Lillian would not be a possibility. I am grateful.

Do you know Jesus?

I am not talking about head knowledge that you know he lived on earth, but do you have a personal relationship with him? He is not just a God in the etherial realm, but is He a living breathing God, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, that you can have a personal relationship with. Do you?

Today is a sad day, we remember Lilly Bear and miss her like crazy. It is a day we can’t help but be sad about on all we missed with her here on earth, but it is also a day that we reflect on the fact that God is good and present even in the midst of our great sorrows.

Jamie and Lilly BearHappy Angel-versary to my precious granddaughter, Lillian Elizabeth Caulk in heaven, I know you are fine and happy especially with your grandpa who loved you and missed you so much.  You are enveloped in God’s love. We love you and miss you so much especially your mama Allyssa and daddy Ryan. Lillian Elizabeth Caulk

We will see you soon, precious one.